In-laws

This was a interesting section to study because I do have a strained relationship. My in-laws made it very clear to my husband that they did not see me as part of their family once we got married. I tried really hard to connect with them and create a relationship but they do not believe that the wife comes first. They believe that my husband should "choose" them over me. This isn't just how I feel they have straight up said this to him. 

My husband's mother very much wants/has a "Enmeshment" relationship with her children. "Enmeshment describes a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together; to not be so is considered a personal affront. When enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are distorted. If a married child can't attend a family event, he feels like he is offending his parents, and his parents will be personally hurt." It is hard because this describes my mother in law perfectly. Thankfully my husband doesn't feel this but is hard because his mom does. 

When we got married, many issues arised. Because of this we tried to communicate with them and set boundaries. We tried this for months but they very much so think it is their way or the highway. I try to look at it with an open mind but they have continuously disrespected our boundaries. It is exhauseting to constantly be discussing the problems. 

I am glad we had the readings becuase I was able to rerecognize that it is up to me to forgive and I can only be in control of my part. Even though it is hard all I can do at this point is be open to willing to put effort into the relationship with my in-laws when the decided they are ready. There are so many more terrible things his family has done to me or said that I could have included in this post but instead I chose to focus on what is to come rather that the past. 

Council Together

I think family councils are very important. I think it is important to council together as a family before something is wrong. Meaning that councils shouldn't only be to discuss something that is wrong or something that needs to be fixed. I think councils are good to have open communication and to discuss goals or other things together. Since being married I have learned how important it is so council together often. Having respect for what the other is saying during the council is something I think in crucial. It should be a safe place to talk about whatever you need to. I have also learned that there is a time and place for counseling. For instance I am not going to be in the mood for a family council if I am hungry haha. 

Someone once shared with me that in their family growing up the had councils with their father in their home every fast Sunday. they called them Priesthood councils. The children would go in one by one and council with their father. Their father used this time to check in with his children and see if they needed anything or just wanted to check. This or something similar I would like to implement in my home with my future children. I want my kids to feel comfortable coming to their parents with whatever. 

I think it is important that each family councils together to help build a bond and love for one another. 

Protecting Your Marriage

When my husband and I were engaged we decided to go to a marriage prep institute class together. One of the topics was protecting your marriage from infidelity. Something that stood out to me from that less was an example from out teacher. Our teacher told us that her husband and her have decoded on boundaries together that they are both comfortable with when it comes to interacting with others. One thing she mentioned that they do is never put yourself in a situation that infidelity could take place or even give the appearance of one. For example, she had a very busy career but she would never take a lunch meeting with just herself and another man. She always made it a point that at least one other person was there. Not that she thought that she or the other person would cheat but to not even get the impression that something else was our could be going on. Another example she gave was that her husband would not take a picture next to another women unless his wife was standing on the other side of him. 

I think it is important to make clear boundaries together in your marriage. This gives the opportunity for you to both express what you are and aren't comfortable with and to know the other persons expectations so you do not make them uncomfortable. 

The reading talked about an experience of someone realizing that she made strict commitment to herself and the Lord that she would not share her heart with anyone but her husband and Him. I think this is SO important. Deep and personal thoughts or experiences should stay within the bonds of marriage. I believe this will created and keep trust in your marriage. 

Overall, I think it is important to communicate with a respect your spouse. Respect the other enough to have those conversations and respect their wishes. I think it could be beneficial  to check in every now and then to make sure you are both comfortable with and respecting the boundaries you set together. 

Gottman's message

To me one of the central message of Gottman's book is respect. Respect for each other in the relationship. I believe without respect for your partner your marriage is less likely to succeed.

Gottman has four indicators of behaviors in which he believes are signs of a troubled marriage. These indicators are; Criticism- finding fault in your partner or making yourself right and your partner wrong, Contempt- disrespectful words and body language. Negative comments include insults, name calling, caustic humor, sarcasm or mockery, Defensiveness- playing the victim and not taking responsibility for their part of the conflict, and Stonewalling- withdrawing from the relationship to avoid conflict.

When pondering these indicators notice there is no sign of respect in any of these behaviors. When you do not have or lose respect for your partner you are likely to act in such ways towards them. Respect is knowing your partner has different experiences or opinions from you, and that's okay. 

Gottman also has seven principles that act as a framework to repair or build a relationship. In each of these principles respect is shown. You can not excersise these principles without mutual respect in the relationship.

1. Enhance Your Love Maps- deeply knowing the other. It can be knowing his or her challenges, dreams, friends, beliefs, favorites of all kinds, and childhood experiences
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration-expressing appreciation, acknowledgment, pride, care, admiration, and adoration.
3. Turn Toward Each Other- being, sharing and doing with one another. Build in everyday activities together. Gottman provides a comprehensive list of activities from shopping and cooking to paying the bills and listening to music.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You- being influenced by each other and staying away from gender roles. 
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems- to have respectful conversations about your complaints using plain good manners. 
6.  Overcome Gridlock: you did not find a solution to a significant disagreement. Gottman provides a system to help you move into acknowledging one another’s dreams.
7.  Create Shared Meaning- that together you can create a life filled with meaningful rituals, goals, and memories.

Respect should be at the base of your relationship and continuously built upon. Gottman says it best, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for the enjoyment of each other’s company.”

Here is a quote I like:
"Without communication, there is no relationship; without respect, there is no love, without trust, there is no reason to continue."

Forgiveness

This quote stuck out to my from the talk "The Healing Power of Forgiveness" by James E Faust; “Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”

I believe forgiveness  is a very important key in a marriage. Both people in the marriage need to be willing to forgive in order to learn and grow together and separately. If we soften our hearts and forgive the other person we can learn from our mistakes and grow from the situation. 

I am a very stubborn person. When my husband and I first got married I noticed that he was always the first one to say sorry. At first I loved how sweet he was and how willing to forgive he was. The longer we were married the worst I felt that he was always the one apoligizing first. I did some self reflection and realized that forgiveness requires a humble heart. I was totally okay with him apologizing first and taking responsibility for whatever we were disagreeing or upset about. Once I noticed I had fallen into this habit I decided I needed to change. I humbled myself. This has brought so much more love into our marriage. I am thankful that even when I make mistakes my husband loves me and we work on things together which brings us even closer. 

Pride

If you are not checking yourself and your intentions pride can easily sneak into marriage. I think it is important to make sure we have a heart of peace in our marriage. That we are not handling our differences within marriage with a heart of war. When we have a heart of peace we are reflecting inward and thinking about how we can better ourselves our how we can view the situation better rather than putting blame on the other or that the other person is the problem and that they need to change. 

I think that the longer I have been married the better at this I have become. Don't get me wrong I still have a lot to learn. Early on in our marriage I caught myself getting frustrated by the little things my husband did that I didn't like. I would tell him I was frustrated with the way he did things. I viewed him as if he needed to change to make me happy. I caught myself doing this multiple times a day. I was prideful and thought HE needed to change. It took some reflection for me to realize that I needed to change. I was letting myself get upset with the smallest things and view him in that way. Once I decided to change the way I viewed him and the things he did, everything changed. I know longer let those things bother me and most of those small things he does are now on the long list of reasons why I love him.   

Even though I regret how I was treating him before I am grateful for this experience. I was able to learn from it and because of that I treat my husband better. If I ever do slip back into those thoughts when I am frustrated I am able to reflect and think what do I need to change rather then him.

Turning Towards Your Spouse

I believe little actions go a long way, especially in relationships. Gottman teaches that turning toward your spouse can help connect your relationship. I am 100% behind this principle! I think the key to turning towards your spouse is doing so with true intent and a soften heart. 

When I do things for my husband out of bitterness it builds tension in our relationship. When I do things for my husband with a service filled heart it makes me want to continue to do think for him because I love him. I am happy to do things because I know it makes him happy.

When he turns towards me it makes me feel so loved. I feel understood and heard when my husband does "the little things". It makes me feel as though he does really care to put effort into things he knows will make me happy. There is a show that I love and even though it is not my husband's favorite he watches it with my every week because he knows how much I love it. He shows interest and it makes me feel so valued. 

Turning towards your spouse is important no matter what stage in the relationship you are in. When you choice to acknowledge your partner it builds trust, emotional connection and passion. When choosing your partner it will help contribute to a long lasting relationship. There are going to be ups and downs in every relationship. Finding ways to turn towards each other will help better the relationship. During those rough times I think there are two key elements to help. 1. communication with your spouse. Share how you are feeling instead of holding it all in. Come up with ideas together of ways to unit your relationship. 2. Prayer. Pray for your relationship both together and separately. Ask the Lord for help and guidance. Come prepared with a softened heart. Ready to listen and learn.

My husband loves shooting. I love going with him and seeing how happy he is doing it!

Reflection

Having only been married just about a year I definitely don't know everything there is to know about marriage but I have learned so much. Our relationship has grown so much more than I thought it would.

When starting a marriage together there were so many little things to work out. We both were in school and working so we spent limited time together. Over time this began to effect our relationship. I was so exhausted by the end of the day that I just wanted to chill on the couch before heading to bed. This meant that we spent less and less time talking. As soon as we noticed that we were becoming more short and or irritated with each other we decided something needed to change.

Once we reflected on our relationship we realized that we do better when we take the time to show interest and hear about what the other has done throughout the day. We just needed to put more effort with true intent to our relationship. I have noticed that when we take advantage of our time together we are in a much better place in our relationship. Overtime this has become a natural habit that we do. When the other walks in the door we greet each other with a kiss and take time to talk and catch up after a busy day. Doing this helps the other person feel valued and heard. We also have made it a point to have date night once a week. This has also been fun for us to be creative together to come up with dates that are inexpensive. It's all about spending the time together and enjoying each other's company. 

Date night to the fair over summer 

I Married My Best Friend

I have a friend who told me that her relationship with her husband does better when they spend more time apart and that they need separate groups of people to hang out with. She sees it as more of distance from her husband makes the heart grow fonder.
After she told me this I was reflecting on my own relationship with my husband. I noticed that we do best when we spend time together. We spend a good amount of our time just hanging out with each other. We genuinely enjoy spending time together and if we are not spending time together it adds a strain to our marriage.
Now I'm not trying to say that what my friend does in her marriage is wrong but after reading and watching this weeks prep, it helps me understand my own marriage better.
Dr. Gottman describes that having a friendship in your marriage can help your marriage be strong and lasting. This got me thinking if my husband and I have a good friendship.
I know that our relationship isn't perfect and has its ups and downs, but when it is having our ups I can now recognize that some of that may have to do with the friendship we have created. We love and respect each other and treat the other how we want to be treated. We support and encourage each other.
When we are in the middle of a "down" in our marriage I notice that we are more focused on ourselves and acting in a selfish mindset. Instead of thinking about his needs and encouraging him I am thinking about myself. That is not how best friends treat each other.
Growing up, when my siblings and I would  be fighting my mom would always say, "Would you treat your best friend like that?" I think the same idea can be played into marriage.

My goofy bestfriend 

Creating a Covenant Marriage

I love what Elder Bruce C. Hafen, shared in his talk, "Covenant Marriage."

After reading this talk I am left with two questions. 1. What am I already doing to have a covenant marriage? 2. What can I do better to ensure that my marriage is a covenant marriage?

I was sealed to my sweetheart just over 9 months ago in the Sacramento, CA temple. That day was filled with so much love and many wonderful emotions. But Honestly, because I had so many emotions going into the sealing room, afterwords I couldn't really remember anything the sealer said. Did I feel good about what I just promised to my husband and to God? Yes, I had a great feeling but I couldn't remember any specific things the sealer said.

Feeling guilty about this I expressed how I felt to my husband on the drive home from the temple. He comforted me and told me "Well guess what? We get to keep going back. And each time we do sealings we get to hear the words of what we promised to each other today "

(OKAY first off can we just take a moment an appreciate how sweet he is! All heart eyes over here!)

But seriously how beautiful is that? We get to go back to the temple and help others become sealed to their sweethearts while hearing the same promises we made on our wedding day. This is something my husband and I try to do at least once a month. This is something that I have noticed has helped us have a covenant marriage. Life can get crazy but when we are in the temple focusing on what we promised each other 9 months ago my heart is full and still.

This goes along with remembering why we are married. We didn't get married just because we thought it was fun. We got married because we love each other and want to learn and go together. We got married because we want to send eternity together.

Something that I have noticed since being married is because I love my husband so much I am much faster to forgive and move on. We definitely have our challenges and fights but because of the love I have for him we forgive and make up. Honestly, most of the time I can't even remember what we were fighting about withing the next few hours or next day. The love I feel for him is different than any other love I have felt before. This helps me want to be a better person and want to forgive in our relationship.

What can I do better to have a covenant marriage?

I feel as though this starts with little things. We can have better intent when it comes to things like; praying, scripture study and church attendance. I have noticed that when we do these things well it helps create a better feeling in our marriage.

I can also look at the bigger picture when I am upset about something in the moment. Is it worth is to act out of frustration or anger? Should I cause contention in my relationship. When I slow down and think of the basics it helps me love my husband more and see him as someone I am learning and growing with rather than going against. I need to see him as Christ would.  

Coming out of the temple on our wedding day

Defender of Marriage

Heavenly Father created the earth for us to come and experience mortality. God commands that marriage is between a man and a women which is central to his plan.

"Changes in the civil law do not, indeed cannot, change the moral law that God has established."

Although the laws are changing around us does not mean that doctrine will. We all have a purpose and rule here on earth that will help us achieve eternal life. We are taught this in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” (Links to an external site.) 

This Proclamation outlines specific rules and duties we have here on earth, I believe the things outlined in it are of God. I love that even though it was written many years ago it is very relevant and applicable to our times now.

The proclamation clearly states that marriage is between a man and a woman and is ordained of God. We were created to come to earth and live a mortal life. We were created to on this earth be husband and wife and build up our kingdom. Family is essential to the plan of happiness.

Although I do not personally agree with same sex marriage the Gospel continues to teach us to love all. Which I believe means treat others with kindness as well even if I have a difference of opinion than someone.

For anyone who has questions about same-sex attraction and the church I would encourage them to read the link below.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/same-sex-attraction?lang=eng

Fear of Marriage?

 I didn't really know or understand what divorce was until I was in the 5th grade when my best friends parents got divorced. At the time I didn't understand and was really confused why her parents gave up and couldn't love each other the way mine did. 

My parents have been married 29 years and have been great example to me of what love and commitment looks like. I stayed in this bubble not knowing much about divorce and thinking that everyone had what my parents have. Of course my parents have their differences but they work through them together. I didn't really consider what other people may have experienced themselves or in their childhood until my sister in law came around. 

My brother started dating this wonderful girl. We all adored her and they were perfect for each other! As time went on the more and more they would discuss marriage. One day she opened up to my family about her fear of marriage. 

Fear of marriage? Why would someone be fearful of marriage? Those were just a few questions that popped into my head when she first starting talking. I dreamed of marriage and what mine would be like my whole life. I wanted what my parents have. She expressed how marriage was intimidating to her because everyone in her life hasn't had a successful marriage. All she knew was failed relationships. She didn't even know what a healthy relationship looked like. 

She later expressed the more time she spent with my family the more she could see herself having a successful relationship because she saw that my parents could do it. She saw what it took to have a successful relationship and that is something she now wanted. 

After this experience of hearing how she felt I realized how much our parents relationship effected me which in turn now makes me consider my relationship with my husband.

I have been married just short of a year so of course there is still a lot to learn, but I am thankful that I was able to grow up with the example of a healthy relationship. I feel that has helped me in my own relationship with how I treat my husband and how we treasure our marriage. I hope that we can continue to make choices together that will be a good example for our future children. 

Here is a picture of my parents on their wedding day! 29 years ago