Gottman's message

To me one of the central message of Gottman's book is respect. Respect for each other in the relationship. I believe without respect for your partner your marriage is less likely to succeed.

Gottman has four indicators of behaviors in which he believes are signs of a troubled marriage. These indicators are; Criticism- finding fault in your partner or making yourself right and your partner wrong, Contempt- disrespectful words and body language. Negative comments include insults, name calling, caustic humor, sarcasm or mockery, Defensiveness- playing the victim and not taking responsibility for their part of the conflict, and Stonewalling- withdrawing from the relationship to avoid conflict.

When pondering these indicators notice there is no sign of respect in any of these behaviors. When you do not have or lose respect for your partner you are likely to act in such ways towards them. Respect is knowing your partner has different experiences or opinions from you, and that's okay. 

Gottman also has seven principles that act as a framework to repair or build a relationship. In each of these principles respect is shown. You can not excersise these principles without mutual respect in the relationship.

1. Enhance Your Love Maps- deeply knowing the other. It can be knowing his or her challenges, dreams, friends, beliefs, favorites of all kinds, and childhood experiences
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration-expressing appreciation, acknowledgment, pride, care, admiration, and adoration.
3. Turn Toward Each Other- being, sharing and doing with one another. Build in everyday activities together. Gottman provides a comprehensive list of activities from shopping and cooking to paying the bills and listening to music.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You- being influenced by each other and staying away from gender roles. 
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems- to have respectful conversations about your complaints using plain good manners. 
6.  Overcome Gridlock: you did not find a solution to a significant disagreement. Gottman provides a system to help you move into acknowledging one another’s dreams.
7.  Create Shared Meaning- that together you can create a life filled with meaningful rituals, goals, and memories.

Respect should be at the base of your relationship and continuously built upon. Gottman says it best, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for the enjoyment of each other’s company.”

Here is a quote I like:
"Without communication, there is no relationship; without respect, there is no love, without trust, there is no reason to continue."