In-laws

This was a interesting section to study because I do have a strained relationship. My in-laws made it very clear to my husband that they did not see me as part of their family once we got married. I tried really hard to connect with them and create a relationship but they do not believe that the wife comes first. They believe that my husband should "choose" them over me. This isn't just how I feel they have straight up said this to him. 

My husband's mother very much wants/has a "Enmeshment" relationship with her children. "Enmeshment describes a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together; to not be so is considered a personal affront. When enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are distorted. If a married child can't attend a family event, he feels like he is offending his parents, and his parents will be personally hurt." It is hard because this describes my mother in law perfectly. Thankfully my husband doesn't feel this but is hard because his mom does. 

When we got married, many issues arised. Because of this we tried to communicate with them and set boundaries. We tried this for months but they very much so think it is their way or the highway. I try to look at it with an open mind but they have continuously disrespected our boundaries. It is exhauseting to constantly be discussing the problems. 

I am glad we had the readings becuase I was able to rerecognize that it is up to me to forgive and I can only be in control of my part. Even though it is hard all I can do at this point is be open to willing to put effort into the relationship with my in-laws when the decided they are ready. There are so many more terrible things his family has done to me or said that I could have included in this post but instead I chose to focus on what is to come rather that the past. 

Council Together

I think family councils are very important. I think it is important to council together as a family before something is wrong. Meaning that councils shouldn't only be to discuss something that is wrong or something that needs to be fixed. I think councils are good to have open communication and to discuss goals or other things together. Since being married I have learned how important it is so council together often. Having respect for what the other is saying during the council is something I think in crucial. It should be a safe place to talk about whatever you need to. I have also learned that there is a time and place for counseling. For instance I am not going to be in the mood for a family council if I am hungry haha. 

Someone once shared with me that in their family growing up the had councils with their father in their home every fast Sunday. they called them Priesthood councils. The children would go in one by one and council with their father. Their father used this time to check in with his children and see if they needed anything or just wanted to check. This or something similar I would like to implement in my home with my future children. I want my kids to feel comfortable coming to their parents with whatever. 

I think it is important that each family councils together to help build a bond and love for one another. 

Protecting Your Marriage

When my husband and I were engaged we decided to go to a marriage prep institute class together. One of the topics was protecting your marriage from infidelity. Something that stood out to me from that less was an example from out teacher. Our teacher told us that her husband and her have decoded on boundaries together that they are both comfortable with when it comes to interacting with others. One thing she mentioned that they do is never put yourself in a situation that infidelity could take place or even give the appearance of one. For example, she had a very busy career but she would never take a lunch meeting with just herself and another man. She always made it a point that at least one other person was there. Not that she thought that she or the other person would cheat but to not even get the impression that something else was our could be going on. Another example she gave was that her husband would not take a picture next to another women unless his wife was standing on the other side of him. 

I think it is important to make clear boundaries together in your marriage. This gives the opportunity for you to both express what you are and aren't comfortable with and to know the other persons expectations so you do not make them uncomfortable. 

The reading talked about an experience of someone realizing that she made strict commitment to herself and the Lord that she would not share her heart with anyone but her husband and Him. I think this is SO important. Deep and personal thoughts or experiences should stay within the bonds of marriage. I believe this will created and keep trust in your marriage. 

Overall, I think it is important to communicate with a respect your spouse. Respect the other enough to have those conversations and respect their wishes. I think it could be beneficial  to check in every now and then to make sure you are both comfortable with and respecting the boundaries you set together. 

Gottman's message

To me one of the central message of Gottman's book is respect. Respect for each other in the relationship. I believe without respect for your partner your marriage is less likely to succeed.

Gottman has four indicators of behaviors in which he believes are signs of a troubled marriage. These indicators are; Criticism- finding fault in your partner or making yourself right and your partner wrong, Contempt- disrespectful words and body language. Negative comments include insults, name calling, caustic humor, sarcasm or mockery, Defensiveness- playing the victim and not taking responsibility for their part of the conflict, and Stonewalling- withdrawing from the relationship to avoid conflict.

When pondering these indicators notice there is no sign of respect in any of these behaviors. When you do not have or lose respect for your partner you are likely to act in such ways towards them. Respect is knowing your partner has different experiences or opinions from you, and that's okay. 

Gottman also has seven principles that act as a framework to repair or build a relationship. In each of these principles respect is shown. You can not excersise these principles without mutual respect in the relationship.

1. Enhance Your Love Maps- deeply knowing the other. It can be knowing his or her challenges, dreams, friends, beliefs, favorites of all kinds, and childhood experiences
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration-expressing appreciation, acknowledgment, pride, care, admiration, and adoration.
3. Turn Toward Each Other- being, sharing and doing with one another. Build in everyday activities together. Gottman provides a comprehensive list of activities from shopping and cooking to paying the bills and listening to music.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You- being influenced by each other and staying away from gender roles. 
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems- to have respectful conversations about your complaints using plain good manners. 
6.  Overcome Gridlock: you did not find a solution to a significant disagreement. Gottman provides a system to help you move into acknowledging one another’s dreams.
7.  Create Shared Meaning- that together you can create a life filled with meaningful rituals, goals, and memories.

Respect should be at the base of your relationship and continuously built upon. Gottman says it best, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for the enjoyment of each other’s company.”

Here is a quote I like:
"Without communication, there is no relationship; without respect, there is no love, without trust, there is no reason to continue."

Forgiveness

This quote stuck out to my from the talk "The Healing Power of Forgiveness" by James E Faust; “Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”

I believe forgiveness  is a very important key in a marriage. Both people in the marriage need to be willing to forgive in order to learn and grow together and separately. If we soften our hearts and forgive the other person we can learn from our mistakes and grow from the situation. 

I am a very stubborn person. When my husband and I first got married I noticed that he was always the first one to say sorry. At first I loved how sweet he was and how willing to forgive he was. The longer we were married the worst I felt that he was always the one apoligizing first. I did some self reflection and realized that forgiveness requires a humble heart. I was totally okay with him apologizing first and taking responsibility for whatever we were disagreeing or upset about. Once I noticed I had fallen into this habit I decided I needed to change. I humbled myself. This has brought so much more love into our marriage. I am thankful that even when I make mistakes my husband loves me and we work on things together which brings us even closer. 

Pride

If you are not checking yourself and your intentions pride can easily sneak into marriage. I think it is important to make sure we have a heart of peace in our marriage. That we are not handling our differences within marriage with a heart of war. When we have a heart of peace we are reflecting inward and thinking about how we can better ourselves our how we can view the situation better rather than putting blame on the other or that the other person is the problem and that they need to change. 

I think that the longer I have been married the better at this I have become. Don't get me wrong I still have a lot to learn. Early on in our marriage I caught myself getting frustrated by the little things my husband did that I didn't like. I would tell him I was frustrated with the way he did things. I viewed him as if he needed to change to make me happy. I caught myself doing this multiple times a day. I was prideful and thought HE needed to change. It took some reflection for me to realize that I needed to change. I was letting myself get upset with the smallest things and view him in that way. Once I decided to change the way I viewed him and the things he did, everything changed. I know longer let those things bother me and most of those small things he does are now on the long list of reasons why I love him.   

Even though I regret how I was treating him before I am grateful for this experience. I was able to learn from it and because of that I treat my husband better. If I ever do slip back into those thoughts when I am frustrated I am able to reflect and think what do I need to change rather then him.

Turning Towards Your Spouse

I believe little actions go a long way, especially in relationships. Gottman teaches that turning toward your spouse can help connect your relationship. I am 100% behind this principle! I think the key to turning towards your spouse is doing so with true intent and a soften heart. 

When I do things for my husband out of bitterness it builds tension in our relationship. When I do things for my husband with a service filled heart it makes me want to continue to do think for him because I love him. I am happy to do things because I know it makes him happy.

When he turns towards me it makes me feel so loved. I feel understood and heard when my husband does "the little things". It makes me feel as though he does really care to put effort into things he knows will make me happy. There is a show that I love and even though it is not my husband's favorite he watches it with my every week because he knows how much I love it. He shows interest and it makes me feel so valued. 

Turning towards your spouse is important no matter what stage in the relationship you are in. When you choice to acknowledge your partner it builds trust, emotional connection and passion. When choosing your partner it will help contribute to a long lasting relationship. There are going to be ups and downs in every relationship. Finding ways to turn towards each other will help better the relationship. During those rough times I think there are two key elements to help. 1. communication with your spouse. Share how you are feeling instead of holding it all in. Come up with ideas together of ways to unit your relationship. 2. Prayer. Pray for your relationship both together and separately. Ask the Lord for help and guidance. Come prepared with a softened heart. Ready to listen and learn.

My husband loves shooting. I love going with him and seeing how happy he is doing it!