Council Together

I think family councils are very important. I think it is important to council together as a family before something is wrong. Meaning that councils shouldn't only be to discuss something that is wrong or something that needs to be fixed. I think councils are good to have open communication and to discuss goals or other things together. Since being married I have learned how important it is so council together often. Having respect for what the other is saying during the council is something I think in crucial. It should be a safe place to talk about whatever you need to. I have also learned that there is a time and place for counseling. For instance I am not going to be in the mood for a family council if I am hungry haha. 

Someone once shared with me that in their family growing up the had councils with their father in their home every fast Sunday. they called them Priesthood councils. The children would go in one by one and council with their father. Their father used this time to check in with his children and see if they needed anything or just wanted to check. This or something similar I would like to implement in my home with my future children. I want my kids to feel comfortable coming to their parents with whatever. 

I think it is important that each family councils together to help build a bond and love for one another. 

Protecting Your Marriage

When my husband and I were engaged we decided to go to a marriage prep institute class together. One of the topics was protecting your marriage from infidelity. Something that stood out to me from that less was an example from out teacher. Our teacher told us that her husband and her have decoded on boundaries together that they are both comfortable with when it comes to interacting with others. One thing she mentioned that they do is never put yourself in a situation that infidelity could take place or even give the appearance of one. For example, she had a very busy career but she would never take a lunch meeting with just herself and another man. She always made it a point that at least one other person was there. Not that she thought that she or the other person would cheat but to not even get the impression that something else was our could be going on. Another example she gave was that her husband would not take a picture next to another women unless his wife was standing on the other side of him. 

I think it is important to make clear boundaries together in your marriage. This gives the opportunity for you to both express what you are and aren't comfortable with and to know the other persons expectations so you do not make them uncomfortable. 

The reading talked about an experience of someone realizing that she made strict commitment to herself and the Lord that she would not share her heart with anyone but her husband and Him. I think this is SO important. Deep and personal thoughts or experiences should stay within the bonds of marriage. I believe this will created and keep trust in your marriage. 

Overall, I think it is important to communicate with a respect your spouse. Respect the other enough to have those conversations and respect their wishes. I think it could be beneficial  to check in every now and then to make sure you are both comfortable with and respecting the boundaries you set together. 

Gottman's message

To me one of the central message of Gottman's book is respect. Respect for each other in the relationship. I believe without respect for your partner your marriage is less likely to succeed.

Gottman has four indicators of behaviors in which he believes are signs of a troubled marriage. These indicators are; Criticism- finding fault in your partner or making yourself right and your partner wrong, Contempt- disrespectful words and body language. Negative comments include insults, name calling, caustic humor, sarcasm or mockery, Defensiveness- playing the victim and not taking responsibility for their part of the conflict, and Stonewalling- withdrawing from the relationship to avoid conflict.

When pondering these indicators notice there is no sign of respect in any of these behaviors. When you do not have or lose respect for your partner you are likely to act in such ways towards them. Respect is knowing your partner has different experiences or opinions from you, and that's okay. 

Gottman also has seven principles that act as a framework to repair or build a relationship. In each of these principles respect is shown. You can not excersise these principles without mutual respect in the relationship.

1. Enhance Your Love Maps- deeply knowing the other. It can be knowing his or her challenges, dreams, friends, beliefs, favorites of all kinds, and childhood experiences
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration-expressing appreciation, acknowledgment, pride, care, admiration, and adoration.
3. Turn Toward Each Other- being, sharing and doing with one another. Build in everyday activities together. Gottman provides a comprehensive list of activities from shopping and cooking to paying the bills and listening to music.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You- being influenced by each other and staying away from gender roles. 
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems- to have respectful conversations about your complaints using plain good manners. 
6.  Overcome Gridlock: you did not find a solution to a significant disagreement. Gottman provides a system to help you move into acknowledging one another’s dreams.
7.  Create Shared Meaning- that together you can create a life filled with meaningful rituals, goals, and memories.

Respect should be at the base of your relationship and continuously built upon. Gottman says it best, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for the enjoyment of each other’s company.”

Here is a quote I like:
"Without communication, there is no relationship; without respect, there is no love, without trust, there is no reason to continue."

Forgiveness

This quote stuck out to my from the talk "The Healing Power of Forgiveness" by James E Faust; “Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”

I believe forgiveness  is a very important key in a marriage. Both people in the marriage need to be willing to forgive in order to learn and grow together and separately. If we soften our hearts and forgive the other person we can learn from our mistakes and grow from the situation. 

I am a very stubborn person. When my husband and I first got married I noticed that he was always the first one to say sorry. At first I loved how sweet he was and how willing to forgive he was. The longer we were married the worst I felt that he was always the one apoligizing first. I did some self reflection and realized that forgiveness requires a humble heart. I was totally okay with him apologizing first and taking responsibility for whatever we were disagreeing or upset about. Once I noticed I had fallen into this habit I decided I needed to change. I humbled myself. This has brought so much more love into our marriage. I am thankful that even when I make mistakes my husband loves me and we work on things together which brings us even closer.